I ran across a post on Twitter from an individual with the handle name “Ex-exmo“, meaning they are an Ex Ex-Mormon. Their Twitter profiles now says, “Lost faith. Left the Church. Came back.”
After he shared a recent post on the theme of those who leave the Church and claim they are happier, I asked if I could share it. He agreed. I’ll share his post below, and then follow up his statements with scriptures from the Book of Mormon that back up his claims. We should not assume that his experience covers all experiences, but we should accept that his experience can possibly apply to select others as well.
A Post from Ex-exmo About Being Happier Leaving The Church
When those who have left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints proclaim how much happier they are, there’s no reason to doubt them. Think about the path that got some of them there.
#1 It’s likely that—for whatever reason—they weren’t feeling the Spirit through service and worship.
Do you know how awkward and uncomfortable Church can be when not accompanied by the Spirit? I do.
Remember the 2015 Conference talk The Music of Gospel about how difficult it is to dance if you don’t feel the rhythm? It’s true. Without the gifts of the Holy Ghost, church can feel inauthentic, forced, and yucky.
It often leads one to become hyper-critical and uncharitable. Leaving an environment like that and being able take a break from fault-finding is probably good for the soul and would lead to increased happiness.
#2 There was often a gradual process of losing faith in various doctrines.
The intellectual discordance is stressful. Leaving means you don’t have to try to reconcile incompatible beliefs any more and that could definitely lead to increased happiness.
#3 Church life can be demanding.
Even those with strong testimonies and the Gift of the HG can sometimes feel weighed down by callings. Imagine trying to shoulder such responsibilities while grappling with doubt or not feeling the Spirit. Ugh.
Leaving the Church can lift those demands immediately and lift the burden of conscience, not needing to think about those things you’re NOT doing or doing with hesitation and doubt. And, honestly, who wouldn’t enjoy a little more “me time?”
#4 People felt hemmed in by commandments and expectations
People who felt hemmed in by commandments and expectations—especially when their heart wasn’t in it—and then leave the Church often experience an “Elsa Period.” They “Let It Go,” with previous inhibitions shattered and a newfound power to express themselves.
I understand all these things and believe they are totally legit as someone who was born in the covenant but didn’t have many spiritual experiences growing up and ultimately felt like the Church was just a bunch of social pressure.
I’m actually glad I left it when I did. It wasn’t authentic for me at the time, and if I had stayed it wouldn’t have been for the right reasons.
Leading Me Back to the Fold
When a series of events and experiences led me back to the gospel, it was with a much different heart. With the Spirit as my guide, it was a completely different religion and experience.
When I hear of people leaving, while I regret that that they weren’t able to experience the gospel as I do now, if they were experiencing it in anything like the way I was before, I sometimes think, “Well yeah! Don’t stay in THAT religion!”
I want to tell them, “Maybe one day, with a changed heart or different perspective, you’ll be able to experience THIS incredible religion. Maybe not. In the meantime, I hope every saint you encounter will be charitable and kind, because they have no idea which religion YOU left.”
Whatever version of the Church that person left, it almost certainly wasn’t the one a faithful latter-day saint finds peace and joy in. Will they ever find it? Maybe. Maybe not. But being exclusionary or judgmental most certainly won’t help them discover it.
What Do The Scriptures Say? Possible to Be Happier Leaving The Church?
I really appreciated this perspective from someone who has left the Church and came back. I know that for many who leave, they hate being labeled as liars or people who don’t actually feel happier leaving the Church.
But what do the scriptures say? Do they give us any insight which might perhaps show that those who leave the Church are happier? A few that come to mind speak of the comfort level that people have being in a place where they don’t feel spiritual aligned.
In Alma 12:14 it speaks of the judgment and how one would feel appearing before God while having to acknowledge that they ever abused his laws.
“…in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.”
Being in a Church that encourages it’s members to live a certain way could definitely cause those who choose to not live that way a measure of discomfort and dissonance.
Moroni speaks more to this principle in Mormon 9:3-4 when he says:
“Do ye suppose that ye shall dwell with him under a consciousness of your guilt? Do ye suppose that ye could be happy to dwell with that holy Being, when your souls are racked with a consciousness of guilt that ye have ever abused his laws?
Behold, I say unto you that ye would be more miserable to dwell with a holy and just God, under a consciousness of your filthiness before him, than ye would to dwell with the damned souls in hell.”
Based on the principles taught in those two scriptures, it definitely appears that it is possible to be happier living with others who follow a lower law, since not living the higher law among those who do brings misery.
I wanted to share this thought because I think one of the most harmful things we can do is teach things that aren’t true. People who aren’t in the Church, or who leave the Church can most assuredly be happier leaving the Church.
However, everlasting happiness and eternal joy is what we are after. We are not after a fleeting joy or even a happiness that is 7 out of 10. We want a fullness. So, if you hear people preaching that happiness can only be found among the Latter-day Saints, maybe pull out some scriptures and help them see that just isn’t true.
At the same time, please don’t use any of the principles we discussed to be manipulative and condescending, because that won’t help people want to come back. I love what Ex-exmo said at the end of his tweet: “Maybe one day, with a changed heart or different perspective, you’ll be able to experience THIS incredible religion. Maybe not. In the meantime, I hope every saint you encounter will be charitable and kind, because they have no idea which religion YOU left.”
Maybe ask ACTUAL ex-Mormons why they have left. Not people who went back. Ask those who have been out for years. Those who have no intention to go back. This article is incredibly condescending, biased, invalidating, and inaccurate.
I truly appreciate this post. Last year I had an experience with family members in the Church that shook both my testimony and my world. I was deeply, deeply hurt by their actions, and when I told them how I felt, they used “the gospel” to tell me that I was in the wrong for not forgiving them right away. (I don’t believe dismissing a person’s pain is the gospel at all.) After months and months of emotional anguish, I decided it best to forgive, even though they never apologized. Right now we’re trying to go on like nothing happened, simply because one of them absolutely refuses to acknowledge their abusive behavior. Things are better than they were, but the “Church” that tells them that that their behavior is okay is not the Church I want to belong to.*
I have another family member who uses the gospel as a tool to shame pretty much everyone. Three of her children left the Church because they couldn’t handle her shame and self-righteousness. The rest of us try to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but quite frankly, I’m running out of salt. And hers is not a Church I want to belong to.
I spent my youth and early adulthood with just as severe self-righteousness, coupled with debilitating depression, because the culture of shame influenced every aspect of my life. I was never, ever good enough, and the more I tried, the more I felt like I’d never make it to heaven. This is not a Church I want to belong to anymore.
Many, many close family members and friends have chosen to leave the Church because of their painful experiences, which are similar to mine but unique to each of them. They’ve all been deeply hurt by members of the Church who use what they profess to be the gospel as an instrument to injure others. As I’ve recently made a greater effort to mourn with those who mourn the loss of their faith, when I hear their stories of anguish, I agree with them: none of theirs is a Church I want to belong to.
So I’m at a crossroads right now. On the one hand, I can’t go on living as though the Church I grew up in is perfect and incapable of doing any harm. On the other, I’ve had many, many deeply spiritual experiences that have blessed
me in ways I find difficult to describe. I’m not sure what direction to choose right now, but I do know that if I hear any more shaming from members of the Church, it’ll be that much easier to leave. And if I hear anyone blatantly attack the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I’ll stand up and defend it. It’s a tricky place to be in and I could use some help.
Any thoughts or support would be greatly appreciated.
*I know the leaders of the Church don’t condone anything my family members did to me. In fact, in the last General Conference they made it perfectly clear that the kind of verbal and emotional abuse I experienced from them was absolutely unacceptable and condemned by God. My family members, who listen to every session of Conference religiously, chose not to think that part applied to them.
Show me where in the scriptures it says that Satan’s plan was for us to choose the right?
@Ben Arkell, no. His plan A is always that we choose. Not that we choose the right. You have presented satan’s plan here in the name of God and it shows how narrow your mindset truly is. God wants, more than ANYTHING, us to have the ability to choose. That’s his ONLY plan A.
@Ben Arkell, it may not be the purpose, but it’s the reality. You both have the wrong attitude about this. The church makes up .2% of the current world population. You have a very narrow-minded perspective if you believe that the church is God’s only tool in providing his children with not only the higher law but true happiness. I know more non-members living a higher law than I know members living it. Including those who have left. The church and a persons decision to stay or leave does not reflect their eternal state or their happiness. This article should clearly state: “Why you shouldn’t doubt someone’s happiness after leaving the church? Because it’s none of your business and you cannot know their experience. Period.”
@Samantha Twigg, I agree with your conclusion. In fact, I can look back at my life these past few months and see myself drifting. Thanks for your comments.
Love this! Thank you for sharing. It gives me a different perspective when considering those (including some of my own children) and their reasons for leaving the church. “The Church they left” may very well not be the church we’d hoped they’d experience when growing up.
@Jacob,
Why do you assume he is lying? I understand this line of reasoning perfectly as a person who has been inactive and come back.
Your allegations have no merit.
This article is well thought out And has a point of view that we should all consider.
@Jean, There are authentic historical accounts of Joseph Smith being caught red-handed raping his 14-year-old foster daughter and future plural wife in the barn, including one from Oliver Cowdry (that would eventually lead to his excommunication). Not to mention the court testimonies from a good handful of Smith’s plural widows saying that they did indeed have sexual relations together. It definitely happened.
@Ben Arkell, It doesn’t specifically mention the word “filthiness” but the idea that people are leaving the church in significant numbers because they’re unable to feel the spirit that’s obviously present and perceptible by the more righteous folks, too lazy to take time for important church callings, unwilling to follow commandments, etc. does not paint a particularly attractive picture and I think you and I both know what people are going to infer when they read this article.
And for the last time, the reasons listed are not why people are leaving. Period. I’ve been a part of multiple ex-mo social media groups for almost a decade and have seen/read thousands and thousands of raw, vulnerable ex-mo perspectives on leaving the church from people who were once all-in and dedicated to the mission of the church (like I was myself), and not once have I seen one of the four reasons in this article come up. Not once. The article is so generally inaccurate, in fact, that it ought to be redacted. Or at the very least, altered so as to demonstrate that these motives for leaving the church represent the experience of a single individual and are not remotely representative of the general ex-mo population. To do otherwise would be deliberately misleading and deceitful.
@Ben Arkell, Honestly, the disclaimer should say “this example maybe represents 0.000001% of ex-members’ experiences and should not be taken seriously.”
Did you get rebaptized?
It’s a personal question but I can’t take this seriously unless there was an actual resignation or excommunication followed by a rebaptism and restoration of blessings.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE change your font. This site is extremely hard to read becouse of the font you are using. PLEASE change the font.
If the Church is true, then people should stay. If there are those who stay and those who leave, those who stay made the correct choice. There is no avoiding the fact that there is a right and a wrong. No one likes being called wrong. I don’t agree with the fact that those who left were doing everything right. I also don’t believe they were doing everything wrong. But God is never going to lead someone out of this Church, again, operating under the assumption that the Church is true, which you are fine to disagree with me on. If we disagree with that assumption, we are going to disagree with other things.
@J.B., Imagine, just for a second, if someone else or I had written the following points in an article (for the record, I don’t actually believe these things and would never write an article like this, but I’m trying to illustrate a point here):
============
Why Members Stay In The LDS Church
1. It’s much easier to have bishops, stake presidents, apostles, and prophets just tell you how to act and what to do with your life rather than loving and trusting yourself enough to be a good person and forge your own path in life. The church is a great place for people like this, so we should love and support our friends and family in this endeavor!
2. That same warm fuzzy feeling I get when watching the movie Up or listening to certain Josh Groban songs is what keeps them away from looking at historical facts and engaging in critical thinking. But that’s okay! Facts, reason, and logic are just hard for some people, so I’m grateful these folks have a place where they and their like-minded community can go, stick their heads in the sand for their own placation, and not worry about these difficult things!
3. LDS men and women love patriarchal systems. LDS Men love wielding an imaginary power to lord over their households while dumping all of the physical and cognitive household workloads on their wives, and LDS women love forgoing their careers and their hopes and dreams to marry at 18, have 8 kids, and spend the rest of their lives in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls while the men carry on with their important duties and meetings. And wouldn’t you know it, the church provides a perfect, safe space for these folks to practice their patriarchal ways! How wonderful is that?!
4. They are secretly hoping that polygamy is legalized so they can finally live the true and everlasting covenant. Where many of us ex-members left due, in part, to the church’s consistent political efforts to criminalize gay marriage and split LGBTQ families apart, this is the perfect opportunity to pull your member friend or family member aside and tell them that even though you don’t support their desired lifestyle, you still love them despite it. But you know… hate the sin and love the sinner!
5. Most of them secretly want to leave, but feel too much social pressure to stay.
==============
Do you see the problems here? Do you feel like these points mischaracterize and misrepresent your motives and personal experiences in the church? When you read these points, do you feel like I’m masking a massive sense of superiority with a veil of “love and support” while really patronizing you and other members? Furthermore, If I were to build a platform and spread this kind of misinformation about you to non-member friends, family, coworkers/employers, etc. would you feel a desire to educate me and other readers on the inaccuracies?
Instead of dismissing these comments as vitriol, maybe try listening. Maybe try understanding our experiences even if you don’t see eye to eye with them. Maybe try to educate yourself on the topic of “why ex-members are happier after leaving” by listing to THEIR experiences instead of reading articles written by members with glaringly obvious biases. Maybe try to understand that just like you have perfectly valid reasons for remaining faithful to the church, we have perfectly valid reasons for leaving.
There is nothing wrong with a patriarchal system and your definition of harmful is not one that I agree with. And women make LOTS of decisions in callings within the Church.
I wouldn’t say that the purpose of life is to sin. Neither would scripture.
Jacob, you are name-calling with no proof of anyone lying. Ex-exmo has a Twitter account that I linked to and you can follow it. Ex-exmo is a member, that’s the point. The profile reads: Lost faith. Left the Church. Came back. Just because his/her experience doesn’t align with yours doesn’t mean the experience didn’t happen.
You’re a liar, and the “ex-exmo” you’ve spotlighted is fake. Only members talk like that. You’ve misrepresented exmos and their reasons, and owe us an apology.
You also need to exercise better judgement in sourcing in the future. A modicum of critical reading skill easily shows the account is run by a TBM who does not understand exmos.
The purpose of life is to sin as much as we need to come to the conclusion that sinning is bad and we don’t want to do it. When I see someone leave the Church I think they just need to go do the other stuff a little longer to come to this realization. Sin can be a ton of fun for those who have not discovered its drawbacks. We who remain faithful need to remain positive and friendly towards those who leave the Church so they will know they are welcome to come back when this realization comes. For some this realization may never come and that is ok too. The important thing is to always keep the light on and the welcome mat rolled out!! I have to do me, while you do you; and we can all stay friends thru it all!!
@Ben Arkell, “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made.” Quote from Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
If women are not able to make decisions in callings in the church without a man either approving it or previously deciding what authority she has in that calling, that is patriarchal and harmful.
@Denise, my take on what she is saying is that the toxicity in the church is similar to that of an abusive spouse. Not that she had an abusive spouse and it was the church’s fault.
@Ben Arkell, it mentions people’s filthiness when it says those who left might feel happier living a “lower law” with others living that way, as they were uncomfortable living said “lower law” among those living the “higher law.” Many people who leave the church were doing everything “right” and striving to live the gospel and feel the spirit when they choose to leave. You say not to use these points to condescend to those who left, but that is precisely what this article does, on this point alone. It completely discredits the fact that many “good” Latter-Day Saints do everything in their power to hang on, and ultimately make a very difficult decision to leave.
Like the original commenter here, I had hoped to read something refreshing, and found yet another iteration of “people who leave just want to sin and be comfortable sinning.” I know you meant well, but this really missed the mark.
You are free to disagree. However, I’m basing my opinion on what the scriptures say – that God never wants someone to depart from Him and His Church. Again, 2 Nephi 26 makes this pretty clear. Now, having said that, God honors our agency and will ALWAYS help us wherever we are on our journey.
God didn’t want the prodigal son to go waste away his inheritance and valuable time in riotous living, but that’s the choice that was made and God was still beside him the whole way.
God doesn’t want us to sin. His plan A is always that we choose the right. However, He knows that we’ll try to do things our way, and that is the reason for the Savior and His sacrifice.
I think we agree on a lot of things here.
@Ben Arkell,
I disagree with you as it not being part of God’s plan to have someone leave the “true Church of Jesus Christ”. I believe that God knows each of us so intimately that it may be an integral part of one’s learning-growth process and salvation to leave the church. He may not want that to happen but He knows us well enough what needs to happen for each of us and our own salvation. Think of the prodigal son. He left his father’s home and spent his inheritance to come back humbled and more ready to go about his father’s business.
Sharing this ex ex-mo’s perspective on his journey members leaving the church being happier is just that, his journey and his perspective. It may be similar to some but differ to a far greater and larger majority. Just because one attends church and participate in church activities and functions doesn’t mean that they are happier or more at peace because they haven’t left the church and are seen as a faithful member.
We are each on our own personal spiritual journey. Just like I can’t loose weight for anyone else, I can’t “save” anyone else either. The best we can do is be like Our Savior and be each other’s cheerleader and friend.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to put a percentage on it that has no basis in fact (ie, an actual scientific study). The person who shared the experience had it happen to him. It happens to others. That’s why I said it happens to some. If it is not applicable to you, then please don’t feel invalidated by it. If you would like to share why you left the church, I’m more than happy to listen to your experience. Just because this experience wasn’t yours doesn’t mean it’s something that shouldn’t be shared.
@Ben Arkell, But I don’t think you’re listening. This article is maybe relevant to 0.01% of people who leave the church, but for the rest of us it’s incredibly dismissive and invalidating of our actual experiences and assists in creating a harmful dynamic between us and our member friends/family.
Thanks for your comment. A lot of great things here.
I’m aware this example doesn’t represent everyone’s experience. I pointed this out in the article.
The vitriolic comments on this thread illustrate the point of the article. If your relationship to the LDS church causes you that level of bitterness, anger, hate, pain, friction, etc. You should leave. You are in a toxic and abusive relationship. You are being “gaslighted” if you think Priesthood Power is only available to a few, and you must rely on those few to access the Power of Heaven. If I believed that, I wouldn’t want to stay either. Run away. Get somewhere safe. Get somewhere where your basic, psychological, intellectual, social, spiritual, emotional, and physical needs are being met. Regroup, recharge, heal. The Savior will help you. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is so much bigger than any group or organization. His Atonement and Grace are available to everyone, in or out of church. However, please consider that the gospel you have been taught, the gospel as you understand it, the gospel and church that are causing you pain may not actually be The Gospel of Jesus Christ, or The Church of Jesus Christ. Once you are in a better place, come take a fresh look at it and see if your perspective of it doesn’t change. See if there is something you are missing because you are in pain, you are fearful for your safety and eternal well being. Please do not give up because of where you currently are, and what you currently believe. Believe in good things to come, and that you can find healing and safety and peace and joy through Jesus Christ whether you are in a church or out of it. Please believe that Christ’s Church does exist and His Gospel is real. Have faith especially when you cannot currently see it because of where you are standing. Move, change, pivot, remove those things that keep you from drawing close to Jesus Christ, but don’t be surprised if in that journey, you end up back where you began, but wiser, more experienced, more knowledgeable, more capable of parsing the hand of God from the hand of man in this work. Just because the sun sets, it isn’t extinguished, it is only blocked by the horizon. Move and you will find the son again. It is burning brightly, and many can see Him, but not those who refuse to change their current postition. Find out what is blocking you from finding Him, and move. Once you can see Him, He will guide back to Heavenly Father’s presence.
I’m sorry, but none of the points listed in this article are even close to representative of the reasons why I left the LDS church. Until authors and readers are prepared to confront some ugly, unpleasant truths and engage in difficult, intellectual discussion regarding said truths, I’m afraid that most members are simply incapable of understanding why most of us leave and why we tend to be happier and more fulfilled outside of the church.
I’ve never claimed to be higher or better. And Christ does have true love, understanding, and compassion and would never want anyone to leave the church. See 2 Nephi 26:25-28.
@Exmo,
Did you even read the article? No where in the original article/post did it say anything about people leaving because they were being lazy. (There are plenty of comments that say that, but the article did not)
The article talks about not feeling comfortable there, and that he was able to find more peace and happiness I. His life when he left. No one wants to be in a place where they are uncomfortable. It makes complete sense. It also talks about being tolerant and loving no matter where people are on their faith journey. I would hope we all can be more tolerant.
@Ben Arkell, You’ve never left. So you have no right or ability to claim that this is the experience of some, many, or all who have. This article pacifies those who stay while still dragging those who leave. It over simplifies the entire process & puts those who stay in a higher tier. As long as you believe that you are better or higher than those who leave, you will NEVER have true Christlike love, understanding or compassion. Period.
@Hello, The church in and of itself doesn’t include a toxic spouse. That being said there are many abusive people who are, on paper, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and many abusive people who are not members. People are in charge of their actions regardless of what religious beliefs they have. I’m glad that you were able to get out of an abusive relationship, and find more peace in your life.
What does being a General Authority have to do with receiving all the blessings of the gospel? Men and women have different roles in life, the family, and in the church. But they all have access to God’s priesthood blessings and His power.
The point of this article isn’t to make anyone feel better – it is to share the experience that is relevant to many who leave. It doesn’t mean everyone leaves for the same reason, but to deny that none of the things in the article are true would be disingenuous.
Dave, do you not agree that this could be the real experience for many? Just because it is the experience for some/many doesn’t mean it has to be the experience for everyone.
What is wrong with this assessment? If you would like to share your perspective so we can learn from each other, that would be appreciated.
What does toxic mean?
Jean, this article that was shared by this members doesn’t necessarily fit the experience of everyone, but it does fit the experience of some. Where in the article does it talk about people’s filthiness?
As for people leaving the Church, I do not think that it is ever God’s plan to have someone leave the true Church of Jesus Christ. His preference would always be that they stay and wait in patience and faith. 2 Nephi 26:26 seems to be getting this point across.
I was excited to see an article that seemed to be advocating for more validation and understanding. Based on most comments so far, it has had the opposite effect. Our loved ones who have left deserve more than to have members assume that they’re happier now because they are free to be guilt-free in their “filthiness.”
President Nelson himself says that the church is far from perfect, and is in a state of being restored still. Can we not admit that some people truly need to leave because of some of the imperfections in the church that have not been fixed yet?
@ben arkell I love this! Thanks for sharing!
@Dave sneddon,
Unfortunately, you’re so right. It’s so interesting that the research on why people actually leave has been done. It is available online if you would like to google “faith crisis report” or at Deseret book in Ostler’s book Bridges. Yet the ugly narrative about dissenters is spun to help the faithful feel better. It hurts families.
@Jean, there are plenty of court cases where women testify under oath that they did have sex with Joseph. You don’t have to trust that, but thinking logically for a second…. If Brigham young and subsequent polygamous prophets had sex with their wives (boasting large family photos), why would Joseph have acted any differently? They were following HIS “revelation” after all.
Well, I left because I was trying to improve my mental health and getting rid of the toxic things in my life that was causing me much depression. In my search to finding what was toxic, I had seen that the church has a lot of toxic traits like an abusive spouse. I left and once I made the decision to, there was an immediate response of relief. Whether or not people want to acknowledge it, the church is toxic.
Also, it’s ok to have “me time”. I’ve learned from a lot of experienced psychologists that it’s actually very important for your health to have “me time”. So don’t act like that it’s a bad thing, you should try it for once!
@Ben Arkell, so if that’s true, then why do all the women in the church, no matter what calling they hold, have to have everything approved through a man? Why are there no women in the General Authorities? If we all had access to the same things, explain those questions.
I’ve also found that leaving the church is so much more enlightening, and I didn’t have to go through the priesthood to get it, I got my enlightenment directly from God himself to me.
Leaving was the best thing I did for my health.
@Ben Arkell, from someone who understands the meaning of gaslighting and has experienced it in other realms of my life, I can tell you that the church absolutely uses many of the same tactics that abusers use. The talk in GC a few years ago entitled “Where Will you go” is one prime example. Literally word for word language that abusers use to control their victims.
I can list a dozen more off the top of my head.
While I am still an active member (for now), it is actually LDS leaders using their “priesthood authority” in abusive ways that caused me additional trauma, which I now re-experience every week at church- it has nothing to do with not feeling the spirit- it has to do with actual phycological trauma at the hands of people I’ve been taught my entire life to trust and who supposedly speak on behalf of God. That’s TRAUMA, not disobedience, not lack of trying, not rebelling- TRAUMA!
I have no problem with doctrines within the church. I DO have a serious problem with how those doctrines are constantly misconstrued and then used to control members, which is pretty much what you’re attempting to do with this article and what other members and church leaders do on a pretty consistent basis.
Telling other people what THEIR experience is and then listing reasons why they are wrong in experiencing those things is literally the definition of gaslighting. 🤷♀️
Horrible assessment and not the gospel
Of Jesus Christ. So wrong on so many levels. As a member I think this is horrible. Absolutely horrible to be this naive. Pathetic. Do Better LDS folks.
@Exmo, you would use this post of gas lighting and being condescending.. it’s time to do some serious self-reflection. Literally nothing you said is anything new, what I hear is someone who is bitter, condescending, and attempting to Gaslight.. ironically.
@Exmo,
I was Baptized July 1977. Have had many callings and a 2 year Service Mission. I have never been inactive. I Love his Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know he heads his Church. I know those holding the Priesthood act in his name. I know we have a Living Prophet who leads his Church, and that he is the President of His Church on earth.
I Testify to you this church is truly Christ Church. I tell you this in His Name Jesus Christ AMEN.
So basically a lot of words to say – you either weren’t working hard enough, weren’t smart enough, or good enough and you are happy now because you were unhappy at church because it reminded you how dumb/lazy/sinful you are?
By contrast the people who stay (who this article is aimed at) are smart/hard working/ righteous. So now you’ve had those pats on the back – keep paying tithing.
@Exmo, I take issue with the accusation that Joseph Smith raped the young women he married. His wife Emma was pregnant some 9 times? Something like that. There was no question of Joseph’s fertility. However, not one of the young women he married ever turned up pregnant. Those marriages were temple sealings, not carnal marriages.
@Exmo, hi. I am not sure what Sunday School you attended, but the first thing I learned growing up in the Chirch was 1. Agency and 2. The need to find your own Testimony. I only read your first paragraph. Sorry, busy mom. But as the author stated (and I didn’t see the word “lazy” written or implied in the article) I too decided to step away for a portion of my life. I NEVER DOUBTED THE TRUTH, I had felt confirmation I could not deny through events in my early 20’s. But, I needed to experience some things away. I came back stronger than ever. I dont recommend it, but I see where this article is coming from. One thing I don’t understand is the resentment and literal hate some feel after leaving. If you’re going to walk away, fine, but why keep coming back to read articles and continue the inner self loathing by writing these responses? I’d be out in Cabo sipping on margaritas or something.. 😆
In all seriousness, you might have lost your fun honeymoon stage after leaving the Chirch and are now angry and looking for what’s missing. I’ll tell you, it’s the sweet peaceful truth that the Holy Ghost gives you while you’re seeking, living and trying to endure to thr end. Open the door to Him again, He’s right there! You will never be able to find peace and joy out in the world. The emptiness is unbearable for those of us that KNOW. We just know, and that becomes a burden of which prophets have warned for millennia. Good luck.
@Randy, thank you! That’s the bottom line! Your choices!
Free agency has it price, negative or positively!
Only be concerned about “your Salvation”, “your path”. Follow His teaching, easy or hard!
Just do it and stop looking around at others and love them where they are! We are all children of Heavenly Father and He loves each us.
@Befu, I left for 23 years and came back in 2000. It took me 6 years of researching and escaping those ties that bind, but I finally concluded that it was true, and committed to living the gospel the best I can. My life hasn’t been perfect since then, but i have peace in my heart and know I am in the right place and have received so many blessings that can’t be numbered. Keep searching for truth and you will receive it in time!
Mary, I will not be next. The Mormon Jesus is Jesus. And He is full of grace and truth and offers all people all that the Father hath. That’s very loving and charitable. We aren’t just commanded to stay “all in” for a certain period of time, we covenant to endure to the end. This is The Church of Jesus Christ and I love it!
I left because I found out the church is wrong and harmful and the Mormon Jesus is homophobic, racist and sexist. We need to do better and be more loving and charitable. I stayed “all in” for 40 years-even graduated from byu had 8 kids served and served and served.. The more in you are the more likely you are to find the problems. Be careful you could be next.
@Exmo,
I didn’t hear the author say anything about laziness. What I heard was respect for those who have left and helping those of us who stay have a better understanding why they left. I can tell you from experience that the author is spot on. If someone is not living the commandments or going to church on a regular basis and they’re just not willing to repent and go all in, it can be easier and bring more happiness to not have to do those things anymore. I can see how it would alleviate a lot of pressure. Of course some people leave due to misinformation. They are free to believe as they choose. It’s nothing to get angry about. Why would a non-LDS person care if members live their lives in la-la land believing in God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost, Joseph Smith, temples, etc. If you’re living the truth you should be aligned with that truth and should be very happy. No need to snarl at others living what they believe to be true.
Thanks for your comment! Best of luck in your journey.
Gaslighting is the most overused word in the English language. Stop trying to put a one-size-fits-all on why people leave the Church. I don’t do that. Do lazy learners leave? You bet. Do people who are committing sin leave? You bet. Do people who have issues with Church history who have studied a lot leave? You bet. Do they all leave for the same reason? No. However, if this is the true Church of God, whatever their reasons for leaving, they are still wrong in leaving. That’s the bottom line. It’s either true, or it isn’t. You believe it isn’t so you left, I believe it is, so I stay.
You’re welcome.
Every latter-day saint has access to the same blessings, with the greatest being eternal life and all that the Father has. There is no harm in this.
Having the courage to deeply study and discover the objective truth that the scriptures are not literal and are just man-made ideas, has led me to feel a greater love for all mankind than I ever knew while I was in the church. And I served faithfully and felt the Spirit often at church. But none of those feelings compare to how much of the “spirit” I feel now. So, in short, I completely disagree with the sentiments expressed in this post. But if it makes you feel better believe this way, fine. It just makes me sad that your beliefs harm others (like LGBTQ members and women because they are treated unequally under church doctrine).
Wonderful. Thank you for posting.
Good lord, this entire article is so incredibly ignorant and condescending. I don’t even know where to start. The author (as well as many active church members) is completely disillusioned into believing that people leave the church for ‘lazy’ reasons. Folks, this is GASLIGHTING, and it’s been taught in Sunday School for generations as a way to effectively prevent people from questioning their faith. They cannot possibly fathom any legitimate reason why someone would leave the church (Because.. It HAS to be true!), so it must be because they just couldn’t handle the pressure. They no longer wanted to follow demanding commandments, they didn’t have the ‘rhythm’ so they could not feel the spirit, etc. It’s THEIR fault they left. THEY were doing it wrong.
It’s time to retire these antiquated, and frankly absurd assumptions about why people leave. Could it be true for some people? Yes, absolutely. Is it true of everyone? Absolutely not. In fact, I’d venture to say that any of the drivel you read above has anything to do with why most people leave the church. Could it possibly be that, rather than being lazy and accepting an ‘easier’ lifestyle, that these people could not reconcile facts with their faith? Could it be due to increased availability of an overwhelming amount of compelling evidence that discredits the church, the Book of Mormon, and the early prophets? Perhaps it is because any sane person could not learn the truth about Joseph Smith marrying and raping underage girls and still believe he was the most ‘elect’ of God, chosen to restore Christ’s church. Or that he sent men on missions and married their wives while they were away? Perhaps it is because the entire book of Abraham which the prophet Joseph claimed to have translated by the power of God, was proven to be a complete fraud when modern Egyptologists translated it for real? Perhaps they leave when they find out how much of our church’s original doctrine has been whitewashed by today’s church leaders because they were problematic, racist, and even violent and dangerous? How could a true prophet receive revelation directly from God, teach it as doctrine, even so far as to incorporate it in temple ceremonies, only to have it overturned a century later and subsequently marked as a product of the time. The opinions of a man. Because hey, whenever a prophet does something wrong, he’s just an imperfect man, right? Perhaps these people wonder how much of today’s prophecies are simply the ramblings of an imperfect man with imperfect opinions? Who’s to say what church leaders a hundred years from now will redact from today’s general conference. I could go on for a while. This is barely scratching the surface.
My point here is that maybe, JUST maybe, these people aren’t lazy. I think they’re probably the ones who have done more research, more studying, and more contemplation than most active members of the church. Mr. Author, I don’t know who you are. But you seem to believe that leaving the church is the easy way out. I assure you it is not. Leaving comes with more heartache, more tears, more familial discord, more anxiety, and more difficulty than you could ever imagine. Take it from someone who’s been there. Staying in the church would have been the easy way. But I, and many other people, we don’t leave because we don’t want to deal with all those pesky commandments and callings anymore. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of responsibility in the church, and I never had a problem with it. We leave because we refuse to live a lie. And that can be a hard truth to admit. Especially when the church is all you’ve known your entire life.
It’s time to stop blaming people for leaving the church and start wondering what’s wrong with the church that’s making so many people leave. You said it yourself that the most harmful thing you can do is teach something that isn’t true. I’d take a good hard look at the church’s history. I think you’ll find there’s more deceit and lies being taught in the church than truth these days.
I feel this. It’s hard to build a testimony I’d you don’t know what it’s like without the church, in my experience. Though I’ve met many faithful members who stay firm with their testimonies, having never treaded other waters, I personally like to experience different perspectives to see what will give me peace, and I’ve found that within the LDS church. I’m still in the process of coming back, but this time it’ll be with more conviction than I had just growing up in the church.
@Randy, very well said. Thanks for sharing your spiritual insights! 😀
What a great perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I have had posts pop up on my FB account from Exmo Lex. I clicked on it once because I was curious and when I found out that it was a lady criticizing the Church I never clicked on it again. But it got me thinking. I understand people leave the Church and they certainly have the free choice to do so and I believe people like that should continue to be treated with love and respect. I know people (mostly young adults) that have left the Church and post how happy they are and how much better their lives are without the restrictions of the Church. Honestly it was hard for me to wrap my mind around how anyone could be happier leaving the Church. You explained it perfectly and I appreciate it so much. I have more empathy for people now that I understand why they are happier and I too hope for them that they will have a change of heart. :)
The Church structure and the Gospel Principles are the same the whole world over. No matter were you go around the world you will find the familiar structure of the Church. I know because I’ve been to Germany and other areas in Europe, the Far East, Korea and Japan, Hawaii and other areas. The Church is the same no matter where you go.
Now while the Church is perfect, the people aren’t. There are good and bad people no matter where you go. It depends upon what type you are looking for. You can find them inside and outside the Church. There are good leaders and bad leaders. It all depends upon whether they are tuned in to the Spirit. There are really good people who really want to worship the Lord and then there are some who come to be flowed over or for the show.
I have seen all types and I’m sure the Lord has too and knows which one are true saints. Some, like me, come to Church because that’s where the Lord wants me to be. To me, everyone has their own free agency and have to answer to the Lord for their actions, myself included. I don’t come for the show and to be flowed over. The Lord has loved me and protected me numerous times over the 50+ years I’ve been a member. I try to live every day as if it were my last one, that way I won’t intentionally offend anyone. So I don’t have to answer to the Lord for those actions. The Lord will decide who is a member of good standing when judgement day comes and I hope and want to be one of them.