Elder Holland’s Advice on Failing to Forgive and Forget

Failing to forgive and forget is spiritually harmful. The philosopher Anne Lamott said, “not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”

Obviously, that is a recipe for disaster, but for many years, I chose to not forgive or forget.

I had a close childhood friend I’ll call Emmett. Emmett and I were inseparable: playing together at each other’s houses, attending school together and going on outings together.

Growing Apart

As we reached our teenage years, Emmett and I grew apart. He made new friends, many of whom were kids that I didn’t want to hang around with. Something happened, and Emmett began to treat me unkindly. When he was around certain friends, that unkind behavior turned into bullying.

When I walked home from school, Emmett, who was a year older, a foot taller and about 30 pounds heavier, would often follow me in his pickup truck and yell insults at me with his new friends. One time, his friend got out of the truck and chased me all the way to my house. Thankfully, I was on the track team.

Another time, Emmett and a friend chased me when they found me alone at the beach. I had to run into the woods and hide under a bush, while his friend yelled threats at me while stabbing a tree with a knife.

At school, another friend of Emmett would constantly berate me at the end of gym class, trying to get into a physical fight with me in school, so I would get suspended. That went on for the entire year.

The bullying got so bad that some days I didn’t want to go to school. I would pray that I wouldn’t cross paths with Emmett or his friends in school that day, and I would choose long meandering routes to get to my classes just to avoid them.

Deep Resentment

After several torturous years in high school, I left for college in another state. Years passed. I got married and started a career, only returning home for my father’s funeral. Emmett, now a full-grown man, came to my father’s wake and funeral. By this time, I was a few inches taller than him. He was extremely kind and pleasant to me and my family, and I was very respectful to him, but inside, I harbored deep resentments for his earlier treatment of me.

What confused me was that it was clear that Emmett didn’t have any bad feelings for me. He seemingly didn’t remember any of his past behavior. He wasn’t burdened by any of his actions, probably because they didn’t affect him the way they affected me. I was a scared and traumatized kid, but he probably didn’t mean anything by his actions, and much of the bullying was done by Emmett’s friends. He was probably just messing around and didn’t give his behavior of the behavior of his friends a second thought, but I still couldn’t forgive him.

Change of Heart

About ten years ago something changed, I read a quote by Elder Holland that explains why failing forgiving others is so bad. In a talk entitled “The Best is Yet to Be, he writes, “There is something in many of us that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either our mistakes or the mistakes of others. It is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist.”

There are many physical benefits to forgiving others. According to Johns Hopkins, people who practice forgiveness have lower blood pressure, have a lower risk of heart attack, lower cholesterol, improved sleep, less pain, less “anxiety, depression and stress.” Who wouldn’t want better physical health?

There are also spiritual benefits to forgiving and forgetting. Elder Holland says, “When something is over and done with…, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve…. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried.” When we let go of the past, the Atonement reveals to us a brighter future. “Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith is for the future.”

As I pondered on Elder Holland’s words, I realized his wisdom. I was the only one suffering for what I considered Emmett’s past wrongs. I needed to leave it buried in the past and look to the future.

Building Positive Memories

Many years have passed since this small epiphany. I have since renewed my friendship with Emmett, and I have learned a lot from him. He is a leader in his community, he has many friends. He is a good husband and father and a hard worker. He was always a good kid, but now he has grown, changed and improved and he is a great man.

I have benefited from my continued interactions with Emmett. He has been a great help to my family in times of personal tragedy and is currently a source of inspiration for me.

The best thing about forgiving and forgetting is that I am no longer burdened by the past. Rather than dwelling on negative memories, I’m building positive ones. Once I was able to forgive and forget those aspects of my painful past, I was able to faithfully focus on the future and recognize that the best is yet to come.