What I Wish Latter-day Saint Leaders Understood About Being Gay

What I Wish Latter-day Saint Leaders Understood about Being Gay

This article is being shared with permission from Ben Schilaty, who is a professor at Brigham Young University where he teaches Spanish. He is gay, a faithful Latter-day Saint, and writes a blog about his experiences at benschilaty.blogspot.com

A good friend of mine at BYU recently asked me what I wished church leaders understood about being gay. Here are my wishes.

I wish that we LGBT Latter-day Saints had a place to find each other.

We need each other. With the help of my stake president in Tucson, I started a support group for gay Mormons modeled after the Genesis Group. The Genesis Group is a monthly meeting for Black members of the church that three apostles helped found in the 70s. It was designed to be a place for them to build their faith in Christ together and create a community of saints with similar life experiences.

What I Wish Latter-day Saint Leaders Understood about Being Gay
Ben’s straight friend Dianna who has hosted the support group in her house since he left Tucson

Starting that support group in Tucson was a life-changing experience for me, and it was healing to my soul to spend time with other same-sex attracted Mormons as we built our faith in Christ together and shared common experiences.

I have heard too many stories of gay Mormons feeling so isolated and alone that they get on a dating app or on Craigslist just to find someone like them that they can talk to. No one should feel that they need to put themselves in those dangerous situations when there are plenty of super rad LGBT members for them to connect with if they only knew how to find them.

I wish more Latter-day Saints could see the hearts of their LGBT brothers and sisters instead of condemning them.

My experiences with being open about my sexuality have been overwhelmingly positive. However, there was that active woman who emphatically accused me of being addicted to pornography because that was the only way someone would develop such deviant thoughts as same-sex attractions. There was the bishop’s wife who compared me to a pedophile multiple times.

The church has some amazing resources, but not nearly enough people know about them. It’s easier for them to cling to things that were written in The Miracle of Forgiveness than to open their minds to the further light and knowledge that has been received and will continue to be received. I don’t know what the church should do. It’s not my job to make those decisions. But in my experience, what we’re currently doing isn’t working.

What I Wish Latter-day Saint Leaders Understood about Being Gay
My mom who has always honored my agency

I wish I could label myself as I please.

I have been told many times by church leaders to not label myself as gay and I obeyed that counsel during my 20s. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to be attracted to men. And I hated myself for having those feelings. The times when I didn’t identify as gay were the hardest, darkest times in my life. Choosing to identify as gay has been wonderful and freeing.

I’m no longer trying to change something about myself that I can’t change, but I’m acknowledging the unique circumstances of my life and choosing to live in them. My beliefs and commitment to the restored gospel have not changed since I started labeling myself as gay. I live church standards as much as I always have. But what has changed is that I don’t hate myself anymore (I wrote more about this in a previous post).

I wish church leaders would honor our agency and grant us the freedom to choose how to define ourselves.

I wish that people would stop comparing single gay members to older single women. The first reason is that our situations are so different. My sister is 36 and single and we’ve talked about this a bunch. She gets to date, and flirt, and pray every night that she’ll find a man who will take her to the temple. But my biggest fear is that I’ll fall in love with a man. It’s much easier to be an active gay Mormon when I have no dating prospects.

The second reason this comparison is unfair is that many of the single women are not doing well. I have many older single friends and I have sat with them as they have cried because they feel no one wants them. I know that many of my single female friends are doing quite well and thriving, but their singleness has brought much sorrow throughout their lives.

A few weeks ago I got a call from a single friend in her mid-30s who lives in a different state. When I asked how she was doing she burst into tears and said, “How do you do it? How are you happy single? I’m so lonely.” So being told, “Older single women are happy so you should just be happy single,” is dismissive, invalidating, and not entirely true.

Choosing to identify as gay has been wonderful and freeing.

I wish that people wouldn’t try to comfort me by pointing to the next life.

I have been told many times that my feelings of same-sex attraction are just an affliction of this life that I won’t experience in the next life. I can see how some people might think this belief is helpful, but to me, it wasn’t. I hated my same-sex attractions so much that I yearned to be dead. Death felt like the answer to my problems.

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During this time, I would have welcomed being diagnosed with cancer because it would have meant the end of my suffering. I would have rather been dead and straight than alive and gay. I have seen how teaching people that they won’t experience same-sex attractions in the next life can lead to thoughts of suicide.

I wish I could be open about who I am.

I have been counseled from time to time to not talk about being gay. Someone in my Elders Quorum just a few weeks ago said that people shouldn’t be open about their sexual orientation because it normalizes it and could lead to experimentation. When we got baptized we covenanted to bear each other’s burdens, comfort one another, and mourn together.

How can my brothers and sisters bear my burdens, comfort me, and mourn with me if they don’t know what’s going on in my life? Those people who tell me not to talk about my sexuality are acting from a place of fear. For me, being open about who I am in appropriate ways has healed my heart. I no longer feel like a stranger at church, but I feel like I belong.

I wish we could use our Christlike imaginations more. I wish we could elevate our vision and think of solutions that no one has thought of before.

I tried incredibly hard to get married during my 20s. Now I feel like marriage isn’t the right thing for me, at least for the foreseeable future. However, I am regularly counseled to marry a woman. I’ve had multiple priesthood leaders recommend that I marry a woman who also struggles with same-sex attraction. The last time a bishop said that to me I said, “That doesn’t feel like a good idea to me. I think at least one person should be attracted to the other.”

Ben Schilaty Gay Mormom
My straight friend Steve who has spent many hours listening to LGBT stories

It is so discouraging for me and my gay friends to be counseled to just find a woman to marry. That’s what we’ve been doing for years and it has caused a lot of pain and anxiety. My life at 34 is nothing like I imagined it would be. It’s better! I had a narrow vision of what life was all about, but once I started to live by faith I was guided to a life that is more full and more joyful than I could have conceived of on my own.

being open about who I am in appropriate ways has healed my heart.

I wish everyone could elevate their vision, find out what we as individuals need, and then we can go from there.

Telling us that we just need to get married is often not the right choice. Just as some prospective missionaries are honorably excused from serving missions, I feel that God has honorably excused me from marriage, for now.

But Most of All

But most of all, I wish you could sit with me in my living room and be there during the many times Mormons with same-sex attraction have cried on my couch.

I wish you could be there in my office at school as LGBT latter-day saints have unloaded their frustrations on me.

I wish you could read all the emails and texts I get.

I wish you were there for the phone calls.

I wish you were there on the long walks I take with gay friends who want so much to be good and who strive their very best to live the gospel, but who feel lonely, trapped, and isolated.

I wish you could hear the many hundreds of stories I’ve heard.

I wish you could be there in those moments when I sit with an LGBT brother or sister of mine.

I wish you could hear them share their struggles and also their love for God.

I wish you could feel the powerful Spirit that is always in those meetings as we open our hearts to each other and share our lived experiences.

Those are some of the moments when I have felt the closest to God in my life. Those are the moments when I have felt like I was part of Zion.

I feel that if every church member could experience that we would be a much better people. We would be a more unified and inclusive Zion.

To read more from Ben Schilaty, please visit his blog at benschilaty.blogspot.com.

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  • I’m sorry but I don’t agree with much you claim about ‘accepting’ your so called ‘sexuality’ as your views are very much along the lines taught by the LGBTI lobby’s here in Australia as well as the US. As a man who has dealt with his own SSA for many years (I am now 63), I have to say that my life has been fulfilling and happy in my striving to avoid SSA thoughts and situations in my life… especially using gospel principles and commitment, which bring the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost into my being, which teaches the truth about these things.
    Certainly SSA is a very difficult challenge to overcome, and I have come to the realisation that I will not be perfect in my thinking or sexual desires in this life, but I am having much success ‘here a little and there a little’. If I choose to indulge these appetites by looking at inappropriate images or entertaining inappropriate thoughts, I lose the Spirit and that power which brings me true peace and joy.
    Some say that my experience is unique to myself and may not be the same for all SSA people. If this is true, then there is one exception to the so-called ‘belief’ that we need to accept our ‘sexuality’ or we will only experience suffering and mental anguish.
    There is so much more to learn than the teachings of men regarding this subject and others. ‘With God, all things are possible’, I know this to be true. We need to be careful of what we believe because ‘faith’ is a powerful motivator, but thankfully God has all power, but not over people’s agency…. so be careful what you put your faith in.

  • One thing I would like to add to my previous comment is that I believe there will be no procreative power in the next life for those who do not do all they can to achieve exaltation in this life. This means there will be no sexual libido or sexual capability in ‘bodies terrestrial’ or ‘bodies telestial’, for example. So what does that mean to those who have committed their lives to pursuing sexual gratification outside God’s guidelines in this life? I believe the sexual appetite will still be there, but there will be no way to quench it. Interestingly I believe there is no way to quench any appetite that is outside God’s guidelines in this life or in eternity anyway.

  • Everyone’s going to express ideas or personal opinions, and that’s certainly okay. As long as respect is maintained for other’s this venue should remain a safe forum to share with others in hopefully positive ways which help a variety of the ‘Bigger Family’ to share and understand one another’s experiences and enable us to get more insightful understanding of issues that involves the Gospel in lives of LDS , LBTG brother’s and sisters.
    I’ll share my own personal life experiences with the topic of family some with you.
    I was so busy with my own family and 2 active step kids, that niether myself or my partner thought of our attraction for each other to be, Based upon a definition of ” Sexual ” attraction. Certainly in a union of two men or two woman, the variety of factors was attraction but

  • Ben, I’m a cancer survivor. Your comment about that struck a chord like never before, and I think I read this before. When I was diagnosed, I honestly wouldn’t have minded just giving in and giving up. It would have taken some of the great loneliness and self-hatred away because I’d be dead. While leadership counsel is often good, the counsel that older single sisters are happy is bunk. Oh what an insult to encourage you as a gay man to marry a single sister; it’s insulting to both. This obedience thing stinks!

  • I’ve always been one to find what the limits are in all aspects of my life, and not just what the limits are, but why that limit exists. That also goes for homosexuality (i.e. Gay) The term ‘gay’ being applied to homosexuals began to the best of my knowledge, in the mid ’60’s when the homosexual people wanted to be more mainstream and they realized that being known as a homosexual wasn’t going to go over with the rest of mankind so they came up with calling themselves ‘Gay’. Once I realized that the homosexual lifestyle was a dead end street, and having learned even more since, both in an Eternal perspective a well as our journey here in mortality, I let it go! Got a lot of backlash from Satan and his minions but once I made up my mind that homosexuality is NOT in my (or Anyone’s) best interests, I just kept saying NO. Period.
    No one is ‘born gay’ Our Heavenly Father doesn’t make mistakes like putting a male spirit in a female body, etc. By some means, usually confusion (one of Satan’s favorite ploys) us humans are led to think (believe) that we are homosexual, which we are not. God gave us our own free will to make choices for our tenure here in mortality and learn from them as best we could. That is what the war in Heaven was all about before the Earth was even formed! Whether or not we, as individual children of our Heavenly Father, would be allowed to choose for ourselves (which was our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’s plan), or whether we would have to obey or die (which was Satan’s plan)! God chose Jesus’ plan! and the rest is history, as they say.
    Here are some of the truths I have learned over the years…
    *In the OT, there are 9 things which the Lord commanded a death sentence for, one of which is homosexuality!
    *Scientifically, i.e. Biologically, all life depends on there being a male and a female for reproduction, which BTW is one of the STRONGEST drives in life! All life forms from the grasses, trees, to the fish, Earthworms, to animals, and to us Humans. All living entities have this drive, this urge, whatever you want to call it. (It wasn’t Adam and Steve, it was Adam and Eve.)
    *Historically, now this gets interesting! In recorded history, EVERY nation, culture, and/or people who have risen to greatness and prominence on the face of the Earth, have had 2 things happen that preludes the destruction of their civilization! One is there being different sets of laws or rules for the ‘elitists’ and another set of laws for the average person! The second is the acceptance of sexual perversions as being an acceptable lifestyle for those people! EVERY single one of them were DESTROYED, not fell by the wayside, or drifted off into history, RUINED! Egyptians, Medes, Greeks, Romans, et al! And interestingly enough it made NO difference if they were aware of our Heavenly Father or not! Regardless of who or what they worshiped!! God will NOT be mocked! This is His Creation and all of us are His Children!
    *Then the AMA statistics for STD’s, shows the highest percentage is among Homosexuals (Gays).
    *Among the top 5 suicide deaths statistics is Homosexuals.
    Those are some of the data I’ve learned about over the past years.
    The council I give to anyone under the ‘thumb’ of any addiction is to make up your OWN mind to make your life the best you can! Until YOU decide, once and for all, that it is YOUR life, YOUR body, YOUR choice to make, you will be under the influence of the forces of evil to do their bidding.
    Just remember, you are Eternal and your body is just the ‘car’ you’re driving around in during your sojourn here in mortality. Our Father has promised us, and I bear solemn witness to the fact the there is no temptation which is beyond our ability to overcome. Read the Book of JOB! VERY inspiring!!
    The ‘freeing’ you spoke of, that’s just Satan and his minions not harassing you when you DECIDED that you were a homosexual! I imagine they said, ‘We got us another one! Ease up demons!!’ Their velvet chains feel just like you aren’t chained up at all!
    As I said before, this is YOUR LIFE, YOUR body, not Satan’s, or even God’s in that perspective, because that is why He sent us here in the first place, to make our own choices! And that is how our Heavenly Father wants it to be.
    BTW, you are not a homosexual.
    You have my heartfelt prayers, my tears, my hopes for the rest of my life for you and all in the same circumstance. In the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

  • I’m bisexual and I agree and understand 100%. It’s super important that you accept yourself and understand that God created you the way you are and He loves you!

  • Thanks for your insight. As the wife of a faithful and not out transgender person I’m here to say that in my opinion it’s not something you choose. My perspective and understanding has changed over the years as I’ve learned more and studied. And yes, sometimes our mortal bodies do have differences and ‘mistakes’. The whole ‘God doesn’t make mistakes’ argument forgets that we live in a fallen world. Babies are born with xxy and other chromosome variations. People are born with different skin colours, hair, smiles, gender, orientation, physical challenges, language, height. The ways that we’re different are many and varied. But one thing we all share are Heavenly Parents who love us and a Saviour who atoned for our sins regardless of any differences. So you see, we are loved if we are lgbtq identifying, if we have Down’s syndrome, if we’re poor or if we don’t like spiders. Members of the church should take a lesson from Primary and do as Jesus did and love everyone even if they’re different.

  • Thank you for being honest and open. I loved reading your insights and know that this must be a difficult daily struggle. I am inspired by your fight, desire to keep progressing and your commitment to your Heavenly Father. You are a great example to me!

  • To my brother, Ben thank you for your strong, beautiful and loving spirit that is supporting so many of our fellow Brothers and Sisters. As always my strength of faith is because we have an all-knowing and loving Heavenly Father who has a plan that began before the creation of time and WE ALL FIT IN IT, AND OUR OWN PERSONAL JOURNEYS WILL FULFILL IT. I support you all and hope my love and prayers will help us all to be humble, understanding but above all LOVING.

  • Hi Ben, I wonder if the leadership would be more supportive of LGBT support groups if it were hosted by relief society or elders quorum presidencies?

    I’m strait, but I certainly would be happy to do that. This might sound silly, but I think the reason they shy away from it, is because they are afraid there will be dating opportunities…that they want to understandably avoid.

    Here’s the thing though, we have support groups for single people, for people with addictions, all kinds of outreach. I get that some people would rather bury it, but not everyone is the same, and if I were in that situation, I would want to talk about it.

    I wish that certain people in my life that are gay would just talk to me about it. I know, and they know I know, so it just creates a barrier because they have this huge secret that’s starting to feel more like a lie than a secret.

  • I’m worried that my comment about “dating opportunities” may have come off a callus. I think that extra conservative leaders unfamiliar with the struggles LGBT members have, may have a fear of such things, but not all of them.

    The church is very careful of meetings outside the church because there are groups that have gathered and ended up leaving the religion entirely because they go off on a tangent, and it distracts their hearts and minds from the will of The Father. I know it is the policy of the church to discourage any regularly meeting groups, regardless of the theme.

    However, I may talk to may stake president and see what our stake can do, and if it would be acceptable to set up a support system in my area.

  • Sarah, I think your desires to be a support are a great thing and something that is needed. President Eyring spoke of Christ’s example in April 2017 Conference in the Priesthood Session, and this is what he said: “He seemed to take particular notice of people who were overlooked and even shunned by society, so we should try to do that too.”

  • i will leave judgement with God, we dont know the whys of people with same sex attracion, i am attracted to men myslf, or one man, he is my husband. having said that i know that we all have challanges of one kind or another, mine is being hard of hearing since a child, i have friends who have physical challanges, born with heart problems or sight problems, which they have all their lives, we can learn to live with these challanges and still be happy even though the righteous desires of our hearts are not met, God has not created us to a life of misery he has said be joyful! and we can be, we can develop our skills, serve others and feel joy we dont have to feel that we can only be happy if….( name whatever thing you wish you had) we can be faithful and keep the commandments choose to be happy choose to be grateful choose to think less of our own wants and more of others we can feel the spirit and be joyful. xxxx

  • You are an insult to God and women don’t even consider yourself a member of the church you are just accepting a mental condition like porn . I’m sorry that you think and have become twisted in to the ways of the world it’s sad I’m younger than you and have to give you a good talking to !!.

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This article is being shared with permission from Ben Schilaty, who is a professor at Brigham Young University where he teaches Spanish. He is gay,...
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